The Colossus

Just two weeks ago, the Sturbridge Villagers were mired in 13th place in the NEBL, and fans had all but given up hope. With a pitching staff described by one local sportswriter as looking like "the last days of the Wehrmacht -- old men and young boys"; an injury ridden infield led by Jack "0 for 4" Wilson; the strange hitting maladies of both Paul Konerko and Richie Sexson, who as a platoon were hitting a mere .200; and the inevitable loss of an outfielder (Scott Podsednik) to the strange presences that menace the shadow-ridden right field corners of Villager Field, it looked like an early end to the Villagers' season.

But then the Villagers farm system sent an unusual prospect to manager Ralph Houk's dugout -- an aging slugger by the name of Roy Hobbs, and his mystical bat, Wonderboy. In the last two weeks, led by the hitting of Hobbs and the appearance of lightning bolts on the shoulders of the Villagers' team, the Villagers have climbed past five teams and now sit in eighth place -- a mere 120 points out of contention in the 10 by 10 fantasy league.

Will the run continue? Will A-Rod's strange May doldrums be lifted? Will Eric Byrnes (a steal in the eleventh round) continue to outperform in the anonymity of Arizona? Will aging, cynical veterans Orlando Cabrera and Luis Gonzalez (the old guy in L.A., not the other one) regain the form that struck fear into the hearts of pitchers everywhere? Will Eric Gagne's inevitable season-ending injury thrust glory upon Villagers' setup man, Akinori Otsuka? And who is the mysterous woman in white who haunts Hobbs's dreams?

Only time will tell.

UPDATE: Jamie Shields -- picked up off the waiver wire early in the season -- just threw a complete game victory tonight. We might be in seventh place come morning . . .

UPDATE 2: Two homers from Eric Byrnes don't hurt, either.

Posted by The Colossus at 9:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

It is week 8 of the season, and the mood in 15th place Villagers headquarters is grim. Players released to date?

David Dellucci, OF -- wasn't getting any playing time in Philadelphia.

Dustin Hermanson, RP -- decided to retire without telling anyone.

Jeff Weaver, SP -- I had hopes for Weaver after a strong finish last year. Those hopes were misplaced.

Matt Clement, SP -- The Boston Globe says it all -- "Like his start, sympathy in short supply".

Tomo Ohka, SP -- actually pitched pretty well until he got hurt.

Darin Erstad, OF -- Hit .238 before going on the DL.

Tim Salmon, OF -- Not getting enough playing time as the Angels DH.

Mark Teahen, 3B -- played himself out of the majors. Well, played himself off the Kansas City roster and into the minor leagues. I'm not sure playing for the Royals constitutes being in the major leagues.

Then there's the injury brigade.

Carl Pavano, SP -- was pitching well in spring training, then got the inexplicable "bruised buttocks" injury before developing bone chips in the elbow during his AA rehab start. Carl is going to be released next week to make room for the rest of the halt and lame.

Mike Sweeney, 1B -- Sweeney has a bulging disc in his back, or maybe is just tired of hitting 3rd for the Royals.

Brian Roberts, 2B -- Roberts had a three week stint on the DL, forcing me to play Angel Berroa -- you guessed it, another Royal. I may never forgive Roberts. Nah, I've already forgiven him. He'll start next week and will play until he hurts himself again.

My pitching staff now has guys on it that weren't even on my radar in the spring. Nate Robertson, John Koronka, Mike Maroth -- all seem to be having pretty good years, so they're carrying the ball. Dontrelle Willis and Jon Garland have been appalling, but I invested in them too heavily to let them go. Brett Tomko is looking decent. And Jarrod Washburn has been showing signs of life.

On the offense, some new faces -- Eric Byrnes, who is making up for the wreckage caused by Cliff Floyd and Jeromy Burnitz, who are currently both hitting below .225. David Bell, who rode my pine all of last year, has taken up his usual spot on the bench in replacement of Teahen. And Jeff Conine -- a member of my glorious 1997 championship team, serves as the good luck charm, replacing Salmon, another '97 hero.

Posted by The Colossus at 8:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

Powered by the pitching of Jon "The Human Torch" Garland (13.94 ERA after two starts) and the slugging of 1B Mike Sweeney (.125 average), the Sturbridge Villagers, after the first two weeks of the season, have fallen into 15th place in the NEBL.

The Villagers are no strangers to the NEBL cellar, and indeed, one observer remarked that the Villagers spent so much of the 2005 season in the cellar "that it was like that M. Night Shyamalan movie where Mel Gibson's farm starts getting those crop circles."

Except, of course, that there was at least one guy in that movie who knew how to swing a baseball bat.

Posted by The Colossus at 8:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Here we go.

C -- Joe Mauer

1B -- Shea Hillenbrand, Mike Sweeney

MI -- Jimmy Rollins, Brian Roberts, Angel Berroa

3B -- Chone Figgins, Mark Teahan

OF -- Vladimir Guerrero, Cliff Floyd, Luis Gonzalez, Jeromy Burnitz, David Dellucci, Darin Erstad

SP -- Dontrelle Willis, Jon Garland, Jeff Weaver, Matt Clement, Carl Pavano, Josh Towers

RP -- Chad Cordero, Brian Fuentes, Eddie Guardado, Dustin Hermanson

As I look at the team, I have to say that I hope Guerrero doesn't get hurt. The team has a lot of speed, but not much power. I'm pretty happy with the pitching staff; hopefully Clement and Pavano will have good years. Last season, Pavano was my ace until he went out for the season in May.

Guys who played for me last year who are returning -- Jimmy Rollins, Mike Sweeney, David Dellucci, Jeff Weaver, Carl Pavano, and Brian Fuentes. Rollins I actually dealt for Sweeney mid season in order to get more power in my lineup, and although Sweeney ended the season being pretty productive, I missed out on Jimmy's 36-game hit streak. Dellucci was a solid producer for me, now he is my #4 outfielder. Weaver ended last season as my #2 or #3 pitcher, (Behind Buehrle and about even with John Lackey); I'm hoping he has a whole season like last year's second half. Pavano we'll just hope is healthy. Fuentes was a great mid-season pickup for me last year; I think my bullpen certainly ought to produce some saves. Hermanson was my "wild card" pick, inexplicably, he hung around till the end of the draft and so I got him in the last round.

Posted by The Colossus at 6:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Draft Day! Who will it be?

Posted by The Colossus at 8:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Draft weekend this Saturday for my rotisserie baseball league; I've been out of the loop, so some time this week is going to be devoted to checking the injuries and retirements. It would be just my luck to discover, too late, that one of my selections has a blown hammy or is undergoing the dreaded arthroscopic surgery. So if posting is light this week, it's because I'm mired in stats.

Posted by The Colossus at 9:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Villagers to pick fourth in this year's draft.

Would A-Rod look good in Villagers pinstripes? Maybe Vladimir Guerrero? Can we dream of Albert Pujols? Maybe Derrek Lee. The good news is -- we're getting one of them!

UPDATE: Looking at it from a purely positional point of view, A Rod as a third baseman helps me, relatively, more than Derrek Lee or Albert Pujols as first basemen. Because first base (especially in our league, where we have no DH and play four outfielders) is very deep. Of these four, I would probably take, in order, A-Rod, Vlad, Pujols, and then Lee. Last year I took something like the tenth best 3rd baseman available (at the time, Vinny Castilla), and frankly, that hurt me. I worried about that position all year, and by the end of the season, had benched Castilla for Joe Crede. Yes, there are reasons teams finish twelfth. I'm hesitant to take a first baseman with that high a pick because the position has depth. Of course, I assume I'm not alone in my opinion, and if he's not available, I'll take the guy who can give me five or six solid stats.

Posted by The Colossus at 7:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Yes, my friends, fantasy baseball is back; and spring training begins soon for the Sturbridge Villagers. Last year, as you will recall, playing for the first time in the NEBL, the Villagers staggered to a 12th place finish after being decimated by injuries to J.D. Drew, Magglio Ordonez, Carl Pavano, and Keith Foulke. This year, rigorously enforcing a policy of "no juicers, crybabies, halt, lame, or mentally ill" -- which pretty much leaves major league baseball with Hideki Matsui -- we are preparing for Draft Weekend, which looks like March 25th.

The draft order has not been determined yet -- in the NEBL's quirky arrangement, in each round you pick in one position worse than the previous round, so I picked 13th in the 1st, 14th in the second, 15th (last) in the third, 1st in the fourth, 2d in the fifth, and so on. While I'm not complaining about it, I can say that if you're picking late in the first round, you better have your ducks in a row.

Our league is also unusual in that it is a "10 by 10" league (ten offensive stats and ten pitching stats), so you have to take into account things like Complete Games, Triples, etc. Last year I built an enormous spreadsheet that ranked every player and pitcher by all ten of their respective categories. It was a huge success -- it kept me out of last, which was my goal for the first year. My lineup was so shaken up by injuries that I had to start trading away my valuable players at the midseason break in order to stay alive -- and oddly enough, though on paper I got fleeced in every trade, I actually moved from 14th to 12th in the second half. This year, armed with version 2.0 of the spreadsheet (we rank all players and pitchers in all of their categories as judged by Standard Deviations from the Mean) I am hopeful I can end up in the money.

Oh, and another thing I learned? Don't draft pitchers. They are so profoundly inconsistent from year to year (with a few exceptions) that it makes no sense to draft them early. My first pitching choices last year (I started taking pitchers in the 3rd round) were Carl Pavano (season ended in May), Mark Buehrle (a good pick), Keith Foulke (terrible year that mercifully ended in June), Matt Morris (good first half, faded in the second) and Brad Radke (inconsistent, and traded by midseason because I had no offense). My planned rotation (Pavano, Buehrle, Morris, Radke) actually was (Buehrle, Lackey, Weaver, Morris) by the end of the year -- Weaver and Lackey I picked up off waivers and they pitched well for me in the second half.

As god is my witness, I'm not taking a pitcher before the fourth round this year. Period. I've learned my lesson. When I see Dontrelle Willis and Chris Carpenter go in the first round, I'm going to drink my beer and say "Good luck with that season-ending-Tommy-John-surgery, big guy" and take someone who plays every day.

Screw pitchers. I hate them.

Posted by The Colossus at 7:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Found in a Sarasota Wal-Mart working as a greeter, legendary baseball manager Ralph Houk has agreed to come out of retirement to lead the Sturbridge Villagers in 2006.

After the controversial Lou Piniella was fired due to "philosophical differences" with the Villagers' owner, a nefarious underworld figure known only by the nickname "The Colossus", a search committee was formed, which examined over 5,000 major and minor league managerial resumes for a dynamic, energetic candidate to replace Piniella. The search committee came up with a number of candidates, including Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, but he was vetoed by The Colossus, who insisted that Guillen cost Villagers' ace Mark Buehrle "at least three wins" in 2005 by his mismanagement of the Chicago bullpen.

"It'll be a cold day in hell before Guillen ever has a job in my organization," said the Colossus. "He personally kept us out of eleventh place last year."

When the search committee, headed by Vice President Dick Cheney, failed to come up with a suitable manager, Cheney suggested his own name for the position, but he was rejected by the team's front office triumvirate (Cthulhu, Ashteroth, and Moloch) as being "too f*cking evil."

"Guy gives me the willies," said Ashteroth, before biting the head off of a sacrificial virgin.

The Colossus then reminisced fondly about Houk, and how, back in the 1980s, he used to sit on the top steps of the Red Sox dugout, playing with pebbles in the sand while his bullpen got shelled.

"He had absolute sangfroid. Nothing bothered the guy. Bob Stanley could come in and blow an eleven run lead and the guy would just sit there and take it like a Zen monk. That's what we need," said the Colossus. "A shame he's been dead for . . . what? 20 years?"

When informed that Houk was not actually dead, a nationwide manhunt was initiated to find him. He was found in the Sarasota Wal-Mart, greeting customers in a bright blue smock.

"And the terms were right," said the Colossus. "The guy thinks it's 1962. Wanted to know how Mickey's back was doing. On the spot, we offered him $25,000, meal money, and all the pudding he can eat."

"And think of it this way," said the Colossus. "If he dies mid-season, we can just stuff him and put him on the top step of the dugout. No one will notice. And Ralph Houk, dead, could get us ten more wins than Piniella did."

Posted by The Colossus at 7:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

In an offseason move that stunned the fantasy baseball world, Lou Piniella was released today by the Sturbridge Villagers. The news was announced in a rare public appearance by the nefarious underworld figure and team owner, The Colossus.

"It was a mutual decision," said The Colossus. "Lou wanted to spend more time with his family and to concentrate on his many other exciting career opportunities," he said. "And we wanted to finish higher than twelfth frickin' place. We had a nice, quiet, respectful dinner, where we came to a quiet resolution. Now we want to move on, and just concentrate on winning in 2006."

A spokesman for Piniella gives a slightly different version of events.

"Lou was awakened at three in the morning by a group of masked gunmen. When he tried to resist and call police, he was hit with a taser no fewer than four times, before he lost consciousness. He was revived in a storage room beneath Villagers Field by a hooded man who repeatedly doused him with ice cold water, as Lou sat chained to a wooden chair beneath a single lightbulb. Lou begged for the man to release him, but was repeatedly taunted by the man, who kept yelling "Twelfth place! Twelfth place!" at him. They injected him with something. He vaguely remembers being thrown in the trunk of a large black car and then being driven to a remote graveyard. His captors then performed a mock execution ceremony with a large caliber pistol, and the hooded figure said "Trouble us no more."

When asked about this in his press conference, The Colossus merely shrugged. "Guys, I'm not going to get into a 'he said, she said' thing over the details. We had a nice meeting, I gave Lou a gold watch, and we parted ways. Let's just focus on next year, OK?"

Posted by The Colossus at 10:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Yes, I've been remiss in updating you.

We appear to have a lock on 12th place, in a 15 team league. Critical injuries decimated the Villagers this year, including those to #1 draft pick, J.D. Drew, #2 draft pick, Magglio Ordonez, ace pitcher Carl Pavano, and closer Keith Foulke.

Let me tell you, though -- I learned a lot this year, and next year -- armed with my usual spreadsheets and dimestore analysis, I will improve on this.

The Villagers will return!

Posted by The Colossus at 7:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

So what of our hometown team, the boys of summer? How are they faring?

Mired in 14th place, though our recent pitching problems have us now officially vying for the cellar.

Where should I start?

First round draft pick J.D. Drew had his cast removed.

Second round pick Magglio Ordonez, who spent the first half of the season on the DL, is back, and has been productive. Really it's like I have a Drew/Ordonez platoon going this season, with each of them playing half the year. This would have been great, if I could have done this with, say, my fifteenth and sixteenth picks rather than my first two.

Ace pitcher and third round draft pick Carl Pavano, who hasn't won a game for me since May, is slowly rehabbing his way into shape for our August cellar run . . .

Jimmy Rollins -- traded. I decided to make a deal for Mike Sweeney, who, apparently, has gotten his injury problems behind him (fingers crossed) in order to try to revive my offense, and got Mark Loretta in the bargain, with me throwing in Eric Hinske to even up the deal. Rollins is a great "crooked stats" player -- he hits triples, steals bases, scores runs, and has a little power. I hated to trade him, but I need more traditional production, and Julio Lugo is giving me enough speed stats to stay competitive.

Of course, if Jason Giambi's remarkable recovery (which began when I cut him, naturally) had started two weeks earlier, I wouldn't have needed to deal for Sweeeney.

Keith Foulke? Knee surgery, gone probably for the year. Nah, scratch that. I released him, so he'll be back, ahead of schedule, pitching better than ever. I wasn't going to pay the freight for carrying him on my roster any more. He and Giambi were my two biggest disasters.

Mark Buehrle has had a couple of mediocre starts of late, though he got the win last night. He got ejected in the sixth for hitting a guy. Frustrating times at Villagers field . . .

Matt Morris? Getting roughed up lately. Cory Lidle? I bench him, he pitches good; I play him, he gets pounded. John Lackey has pitched great on my bench lately, so he's in. Jeff Weaver goes tonight, we'll see which Jeff Weaver shows up. Rodrigo Lopez? Same as Lidle.

Vinny Castilla ain't hitting when he's healthy, and is healthy less often lately. I've been playing the light hitting Joe Crede. He can at least walk from the dugout to the plate without aggravating his left knee. Usually he takes three pitches, turns around, and walks right back.

Lew Ford? AWOL since the start of interleague play.

As for the (usually) good guys . . .

Julio Lugo -- better than I ever hoped. Probably my best pick in the entire draft.

Raul Ibanez -- solid and steady.

Randy Winn? -- has stopped hitting, and has been traded to San Francisco in the real world, which means he'll fall afoul of Felipe Alou and never play again, like Alex Sanchez, the only .320 hitter in baseball to sit on the pine every day. San Francisco is like a players' graveyard.

Jay Gibbons? I've moved him to the outfield, and he now is developing back problems.

Michael Barrett? Good as far as he goes. He shows up. The checks get cashed.

Brian Fuentes? He's a great closer on a team (Colorado) that will lose 100 games this year. Says it all. He's the biggest fish in the littlest pond.

Scot Shields? A bright spot for me. I was hoping some team in the real world would trade for him and make him their closer, but evidently not.

Posted by The Colossus at 1:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

After a closed door meeting in the owner's skybox above the centerfield bleachers at Villagers' Field, a shaken Villagers Manager Lou Piniella emerged to conduct the weekly press briefing, accompanied by bench coach Don "The Battling Gerbil" Zimmer. After a few preliminary remarks, Piniella stated that he wanted to "lay to rest" the swirl of rumors about Villagers' closer Keith Foulke.

"Guys, there is absolutely no truth to the rumors that he's going to be released, or is hurt. Any speculation about certain figures in the Sturbridge underworld taking a baseball bat to his knees because of his pitching troubles is completely irresponsible and unfounded. I saw Keith yesterday, and he looked just fine to me," Piniella said.

When asked about reports that Foulke was seen being placed in a casket by an unusually tall man and whisked away in a hearse, Piniella gave an uneasy laugh.

"What an imagination you guys got," he said. "That was just our new shuttle service. Runs from Villagers Field to our AA Arkham facility twice a day."

When asked by reporters if this meant that Foulke was being reassigned to Arkham, Zimmer interrupted.

"That's crazy talk. Keith's got big league stuff. He's just been having a few problems with his mechanics, is all. He was just going down to Arkham to throw a little extra BP for our prospects. And to see Dr. West."

When asked if Dr. West was a orthopedic specialist, Piniella gave a somewhat guarded response. "You could say that," said Piniella. "He's got a way of getting guys jump started when they're having some issues. We sent Giambi to him, and well, look at the results.

"Nothin' but the best for Keith. That's the Villagers' way," said Zimmer.

Posted by The Colossus at 4:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Well, not so good. The two weeks of interleague play were taken, collectively, by my team, as a signal to stop hitting. I'm now dead last in the league in offense. I'm in fourteenth place overall. There are fifteen teams.

And last week, the joy we felt in the unexpected return of Magglio Ordonez was more than tempered by the loss -- for 8 weeks -- of J.D. Drew, who has a broken wrist.

Keith Foulke also appears to be headed for a season of oblivion. There is talk in Red Sox land of Curt Schilling returning as a closer.

Mark Buehrle and Matt Morris are, collectively, 20-3 so far this year. They have kept me afloat -- if I'm afloat -- or at least have kept me from the cellar.

The Raul Ibanez for Brad Radke trade has worked out well for me. Ibanez has played every game, while Radke's woes have continued for his new team.

Posted by The Colossus at 7:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

So, what was that, last night, exactly? A Fantastic Four tribute? Flame on?

Posted by The Colossus at 1:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Brad Radke (photo courtesy of this site)

Villagers' Team Spokesman, the elder god Cthulhu (photo courtesy of this site)

Although the Sturbridge Villagers' offense has recently shown some signs of life, emerging from their "dead, but dreaming" state to trouble the NEBL with thoughts of non-linear madness, the Villagers decided to move starter Brad Radke in order to obtain a little more power.

Team spokesman Cthulhu the Elder God was quoted as saying "It is all about power, after all."

Radke, a mainstay of the Villagers' staff, has had two troubled outings recently, including yesterday's inexplicable start in which, on three consecutive pitches in three consecutive at bats to the Los Angeles Dodgers' Korean sensation, Hee Seop Choi, Radke gave up three home runs.

The Villagers' owner, a nefarious underworld figure known only as The Colossus, reportedly said, as Choi walked to the plate for his third at bat, "If Radke grooves another fastball to Hong Kong Phooey here, he's gone."

In a Monday morning press conference, the Villagers' front office heatedly denied that The Colossus made the statement, saying that The Colossus is "no Marge Schott", and adding, that Hong Kong Phooey, was, after all, a beloved cartoon character, and that The Colossus sometimes has trouble with Korean names, and will be undergoing both alcohol counseling and sensitivity training.

Team spokesman Cthulhu added, "It is a tempest in a teapot, and if you trouble me with more questions on the matter, I will show you such scabrous and gibbous horrors and unholy blasphemies that you will be rendered forever speechless."

There were no further questions.

The details of the four player deal: The Villagers send Radke and utility outfielder Reed Johnson to (the undisclosed team) in return for Seattle OF/1B Raul Ibanez and Marlins' pitcher Brian Moehler. Ibanez is projected to play right field for the Villagers, which has been a trouble spot for the team all year.

Villagers fans often speak of the stadium's right field as being an unlucky, "shunned place", but men of science scoff at such superstitious nonsense. Reports of noises of profane flutes, subterranean rumblings and unwholesome smells emanating from the drainage grate near the right field foul pole were dismissed by Villagers ownership as being "nonsensical, unfounded rumour, little better than old wives' tales and children's stories."

And although the investigation into the wherabouts of Villagers' right fielder Magglio Ordonez is still open, according to local police, Cthulhu said that he is "sure that Ordonez will return" once his rehabilitation assignment in the Villagers' Double A Arkham, Massachusetts affiliate is completed, or "when the stars are finally right."

UPDATE: Added the pictures. I always wanted Cthulhu to be my spokesman. Had a hard time prying him away from Karl Rove's operation, but hey, we pay top dollar for talent.

UPDATE 2: Absolutely none of this post will make sense unless you a) play fantasy baseball, b) are acquainted with the works of H.P. Lovecraft, and c) remember the cartoon character Hong Kong Phooey. So for the .00001% of the population that all three of these things pertain to, well, enjoy.

Posted by The Colossus at 10:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

. . .to rest Cory Lidle. I considered pitching him this week, but Brett Tomko was, by the numbers, just a little bit stronger statistically.

Today's line for Cory Lidle:

Pitchers IP H R ER BB SO
C Lidle 3.0 8 7 6 2 2

Ouch.

There is a theory in Fantasy Baseball that you play your pitchers who will get two starts in a given week, so that you get an "extra" start in the week (and therefore extra IP, K's, etc.)

I've never subscribed to it, myself. I always pitch my four best. Right now, Lidle is my #6 pitcher, and after this start, likely to remain so for a bit.

Posted by The Colossus at 2:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

In a move reminiscent of the publicity stunts of the late Bill Veeck, The Sturbridge Villagers' shadowy owner, who goes by the supervillain nickname "The Colossus", has announced that the position of starting right fielder and #7 hitter (#6 if you have "line drive power") is now available to the first person to pony up $100.

Yes, indeed. Your dream of playing in "The Show" alongside such Villagers Greats as J.D. "I Left My Bat in Atlanta" Drew, and Randy "Yet to Homer in 2005" Winn can be fulfilled. Just click on the Paypal link on the right and you, too, can play in my fantasy league outfield.

And on the day you start, you will be invited to a special team dinner with other notables who have filled the right field spot for the Villagers this season, including:

Michael Tucker, light hitting San Francisco regular who was supposed to fill in for Barry Bonds while he was out (and in the Bizarro Baseball world where outs are good and home runs are bad, still does);

Jeff Conine, who, despite hitting .300 has somehow angered the baseball gods, and sits permanently on the bench of the real-world Florida Marlins;

Luis "Broken Ring Finger" Matos, who delights the fans with his blistering speed and his inability to hold a ball, glove, or bat;

Reed "Three Games a Week" Johnson, who has an "odd days only" parking permit in the players' lot at Villagers Field, and -- last but not least --

Magglio "I Paid $15 Million For A Season Ending Injury" Ordonez.

Dinner will be followed by a routine medical exam where it will be determined that you have torn both your right and left ACL and require immediate surgery.

UPDATE: Kidding, kids. You don't really get to eat dinner with real big leaguers. And with those guys, I can probably guarantee that if you did eat dinner with them, they'd make you pay.

Posted by The Colossus at 1:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

There is nothing quite like a nagging groin injury, is there.

Get well, Magglio.

Posted by The Colossus at 8:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Those experienced in reading the tea leaves of such things reportedly "not surprised."

Posted by The Colossus at 8:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

(AP Photo courtesy of The MercuryNews, which sure knows how to kick a guy when he's down. Bastards.)

In a press conference at Villagers' Field, the Sturbridge Villagers' manager, Lou Piniella, said that despite Jason Giambi's .195 season batting average, 0-15 hitless streak, and meager 3 home runs, the team had "100% confidence in Jason" and that "He just needs a little more time to warm up."

When asked if "warming up" might include a brief stint in the minors at the Villagers' AAA Farm Team in Juarez, Mexico, Piniella laughed and said "You guys have been drinking too much Mezcal. And eating the worm. Jason's not going nowhere."

When asked if his use of a double negative in describing Giambi's playing status indicated that he might, indeed, be going somewhere, Piniella shrugged his shoulders and said "Maybe it does and maybe it doesn't. You're the wordsmiths. You figure it out." He then gave a terse signal to Villagers' bench coach Don Zimmer to take over.

"Listen guys," said Zimmer. "Jason's fine. There's nothing wrong with him. Nothing that a little sunshine and a nice plate of huitlacoche wouldn't fix."

Posted by The Colossus at 2:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

As if to prove the old adages that "every cloud has a silver lining", "every dog has its day", and "even a blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes", the Sturbridge Villagers have left the cellar of the NEBL fantasy league for the first time this year.

Whether they will, like Punxsutawney Phil, get startled by their shadows and return to their basement, or decide, like Mel Gibson in that M. Night Shyamalan movie, that it is safer to go back and stay in the cellar until all the aliens are dead, remains to be seen.

Highlights of the week:

Vinny Castilla defied age and expectations, and is, for the moment, hitting over .400. Washington Archbishop Cardinal Theodore McCarrick was so impressed with Castilla's performance that he actually submitted his name in nomination for the papacy, but the brief "Castilla for Papa" movement collapsed when the cardinals came to the consensus that they wanted someone younger.

Villagers' ace pitcher Mark Buehrle, threw his first complete game of the season. We're expecting many more such performances from Buehrle, especially considering the pyromaniacs who inhabit the real-world Chicago White sox bullpen. "If you want a job done right, you do it yourself," Buehrle was quoted as saying in the post-game Villagers press conference. He then hailed one of the twenty-five separate cabs waiting outside to take the players back to their respective hotels. (an old Boston Red Sox joke -- a team not, until 2004, known for their chemistry).

On the same night, both Keith Foulke and LaTroy Hawkins had saves. The idea that the Red Sox and Cubs could both have their bullpens hold up on the same night is as rare an astronomical event as a Transit of Venus. Nevertheless, there you go. Foulke has subsequently been demoted to the bench in favor of the tireless Scott Shields, who seemingly appears in every game the Los Angeles Angels play.

Yes, I said the same thing. Los Angeles Angels? Evidently the team once owned by Gene Autry and known, in my youth, as the California Angels, has had another identity crisis. They were for a time known as the Anaheim Angels, but decided they had to relocate to a real baseball town. Los Angeles. A town where the fans are so dedicated that they sometimes stay until the sixth inning. Y'know, if it's a playoff game or soemthing. Sorry. gotta run. Cell phone's ringing. It's Leo. We're pitching a script to him.

Sorry, where was I? Foulke took the demotion well. His profanity-laced tirade actually contained fewer "f**ks" and "c**s**r's" than the average episode of HBO's Deadwood. He then stormed out of my office and consoled himself with a jumbo sized bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and a bottle of Cuervo, and was last seen leaving the team parking lot in his Lamborghini, at a high rate of speed, accompanied by three teenage groupies.

Jason Giambi was the next to be called in. When told that the light-hitting Jay Gibbons would be replacing him in this week's lineup, the veins in his neck throbbed. He then yelled "Hulk mad! Hulk smash!" and as he flexed his human-growth-hormone-and-creotine-laden-muscles, his T-shirt ripped away from his body. Alert Villagers bench coach Don "The Fighting Gerbil" Zimmer rushed in, and managed to use a combination of a police taser and and horse tranquilizer gun to subdue him. Giambi was then placed in a high voltage containment cell, until such time as his real-world numbers improve or the team psychologists assure me he is not a threat to himself, or others.

J.D. Drew has managed to overcome some of his panic attacks, and actually has hit his first home run of the season. Signs of things to come? Let's hope so. Baby step, get on the bus. Baby step, get on the bus.

But unfortunately, my other star outfielder, Magglio Ordonez, continues to be plagued by strange injuries. First the knee. Then a bizarre "viral infection". Now he has developed a hernia and will be out six to eight weeks. I'm beginning to suspect that one of the Dominicans in the league has hired a houngan to cause trouble for him. To be on the safe side, the appropriate ritual sacrifices have been made to Guede-Nimbo. Enjoy the chicken blood, big guy.

Posted by The Colossus at 11:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

My fantasy baseball team, the mighty Sturbridge Villagers, have just completed their first week of play. It's been a tough seven days for home team.

Let's review:

1. First round draft pick J.D. Drew starts the season by going 0-17. He did manage to pick up a couple of singles today to raise his season average to .074. This singles did not drive in any runs, nor did Drew manage to cross the plate today. When asked about his performance, Drew defensively stated "I'm baby-stepping! I'm doing the work!" and advised me that he was not to be bothered, as he is taking "a vacation . . . from his problems".

2. Second round draft pick Magglio Ordonez has played in only two games. In those two games he went 0 for 6 (and therefore leads the Villagers in the race for the league bottom in Batting Average). He then felt "dizzy" and removed himself from the second game. He has not played since. The team labels it a rare "viral infection". I'm thinking it's a not-so-rare case of the "Stolichnaya Flu".

3. Sixth round draft pick and admitted (kinda sorta) steroid abuser Jason Giambi is hitting .235 with a home run. He has also been hit by three pitches. He is said not to be worried about it, as he has an ointment that does wonders for those nagging little injuries. In fact, he admitted that in a strange kind of way, he likes getting hit. "It gets me fired up," he said, "FIRED UP!". He then proceeded to destroy a water cooler with a baseball bat. It took six Villagers teammates to restrain him. Villagers bench coach Don "The Gerbil" Zimmer then shot him in the neck with a tranquilizer dart to help settle him down.

4. Starting pitcher Carl Pavano was a relative bright spot. He was crusing to victory in his first start, after seven strong innings pitched, when real-world Yankees closer Mariano Rivera served up a gopher ball to Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek. Varitek does not play for me. He hits homers. Instead, his real-world batterymate and my fantasy team closer, Keith Foulke, proceeded to go out the very next inning and serve up a walkoff homer to the reviled Derek Jeter (who, naturally, is also not on my team). An inning of "work" from Foulke cancels out seven innings of Pavano's heroic efforts, and contributes to the Villagers' commanding lead in the Losses category. Foulke was philosophical about the loss, saying "Ya win some, ya lose some" before consoling himself with a box of Little Debbie Snack Cakes, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a couple of hookers.

Pavano's second start began with him giving up two earned runs in two innings pitched, before he was then hit in the head by a line drive that knocked him out of the game. Naturally, the Yankees never recovered, and Pavano thus earned the loss. From his hospital room stretcher, he was heard to mutter "We'll get 'em next time, coach" before reverting to incoherent ravings in his childhood Spanish, featuring phrases such as "Cabeza" and "Madre de Dios".

5. Setup man Latroy Hawkins, faced with the possibility of actually earning a save, got within one strike before serving up a game-tying double to the light-hitting Lyle Overbay (who, naturally, also does not play for my team), before suddenly bursting into flames. After the grounds crew managed to extinguish him, he stumbled back to the dugout, where I said, disgustedly, "Looked like a g*ddamned Red Sox reliever out there."

"Oh, no sir," Hawkins responded, "In the real world I play for the Chicago Cubs."

Naturally.

6. Starting pitcher Brad Radke lost his first two starts. The first was in remarkable fashion, when he grooved two fastballs, in consecutive at-bats, to Richie Sexson, who hit both of them for home runs. Richie Sexson, naturally, does not play for my team. Radke's motives were unknown. It is believed that he became distracted when he saw the word "SEX" in large letters on the Villagers' Jumbotron.

7. The Bright Spots. Jimmy Rollins stole a couple of bases for me. Vinny "Methuselah" Castilla is hitting .364. Starting pitcher Matt Morris comes off the disabled list on the 19th. And then there's Buehrle. My only pitcher to notch a win so far, and he is on the mound again, tonight.

Buehrle? . . . anybody? Buehrle?

UPDATE: Buehrle goes 7 innings, but gives up 5 earned runs and takes the loss.

Posted by The Colossus at 8:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)